Gotta Stay Happy

I am happy.

I haven't been lately. Not at work at least. My life, as a whole, is good. I have a fantastic boyfriend. I live in Spain. I've been blessed to travel Europe -- have so many more places I want to go! I have supportive parents and great friends. My life is good.

We have just wrapped up our first half of deployment. We went to Corfu, Poland, Lithuania, Latvia, and a quick stop in Germany (I don't really count it because I never set foot on German soil). The ports were great, the weather was cold. It was windy and rainy and miserable despite it being well into Spring (I don't know about most places, but Arizona is warm and lovely in its week of springtime).

I don't want to dwell too heavily on the negatives. But, there were tears shed, angry words shouted, and write-ups had. It was sleepless, hard, and without direction (not shipwide, just within my division. My ship is great).

Instead I want to focus on happiness.

Being back home has made me realize that all the bullshit I went through over the past couple months doesn't compare to the contentment I feel as a whole. The weather is warm, there is a light breeze carrying the smell of flowers on it, the beach is inviting and the sangria never stops flowing. I have a room which is slowly filling with artwork and trinkets collected from countries I had only dreamed of visiting. Whatever I went through on the first half of patrol is fleeting. It is temporary.

In the moment it can be hard to think beyond the frustration and anger and resentment. Emotions are chemically made and sustained further by negative thoughts. Once you start in that negative downward spiral it's hard to get out. Sometimes even resetting yourself with sleep doesn't work.

I don't want to end up in that spiral again. I don't want to become so angry and resentful I shut down again. I had been so angry at my chain of command I stopped working for myself. I stopped trying. I did the bare minimum so I wouldn't screw over my coworkers, and that was it. Everything I had been working towards came to a sudden halt.

Why?

Because I didn't feel appreciated.

It's so simple and minuscule, but powerful none-the-less. To not feel appreciated by your supervisors can be one of the most degrading things to feel as a subordinate. I had worked my ass off, for what? I didn't even get the dignity of a straight-out "we didn't pick you." I got word second-hand because the guy I was competing with was gloating. That was how meaningless I was to my Leading Petty Officers.

But all that resentment and anger I felt only hurt me. It may have frustrated them. It most certainly annoyed them when I changed the locks to their spaces and didn't give them access until they asked for it nicely. But, it only fueled my own self loathing.

So, that's why I'm going to try to bottle up this happiness that I feel. I want to remember that I have all these amazing things to be grateful for -- I don't want my self-worth to live in someone else's hands -- least of all people who loathe themselves or people who can't see the worth of others.

I am fantastic.
I am beautiful.
I am smart.
I am creative.

I'm going to write these things down. I'm going to write down all the wonderful things I am happy to have in my life and I'm going to hang them up in my rack. I'm going to look at them and remember that my life is pretty awesome.

Leaders will come and go.

Rough seas will mellow out.

Winter will turn to Summer.

Home port is only a short ways away.

Keep happy. Remember the good things. And pass it on to others. Everything will be okay.